#mikey you are literally the reason why we get a reunion

[whatthefuckisasweep]

Mikey my beloved.

[lobanri]

i wrote a -shitty, tbh, but it wouldn’t stop haunting my shower time- richie tozier’s stand up post-canon thing, on a everyone lives au. i lost the thread a bit near the end, so i’m putting it up here and maybe i’ll post it on ao3 at some point. enjoy.

-

So I’m guessing- and I’m probably right, which is decidedly not how my guesses tend to go- that a lot of you came here to see if I could offer a better explanation than the tabloids about what happened last show, because (voice changes to a higher pitched, mocking voice): ‘Richie, what the genuine fuck was that’, (voice switches back.) right?

Well gee! Am I ever here to answer. And also maybe to give a stand-up performance whose entire script I threw out in favour of, like, maybe four jokes I scraped together with what’s left of my brain.

But! Explanation first. 

Okay. (short pause.) So. Imagine you’re me, the fantastic -that’s a joke in itself, right there- Richie ‘Trashmouth’ Tozier. You’re about to go out and perform in front of, okay, maybe not that many people, but still a good number, and you’re like, only a bit nervous. And then.

You get a phone call. 

It’s an unknown number. It says so, right there on the screen of your phone that’s all smudged and disgusting and maybe a little bit cracked ‘cause you keep dropping it doing dumb shit.

(again, his voice changes to a higher pitched, mocking voice)

“Oh Richie, was it someone you knew?” (voice switches back.) Of course not, dumbass, that’s why I said unknown. Duh. 

But on with the tale. 

Now, am I the type of person that answers unknown numbers? Normally, no. If your phone got stolen and you’ve ever called me from a burrowed phone about it, now you know why nobody picked up. But remember, I was about to go out into the level of hell that is an audience- not that I don't love it, I do, but being stared, and occasionally laughed at for around an hour is not what most people find a relaxing afternoon experience. 

So I picked up. Thought it’d maybe be a wrong number that would leave the other person feeling very awkward and me only slightly less so. Maybe I’d get an idea for a joke, who knows.

Suffice to say, given the whole clusterfuck that was my last show, it wasn’t a wrong number.

I pick up. I go, “Hello, who is this?”, because that’s what you say when you answer a call.

The other dude goes “Hi Richie, it’s Mike.”

In my head, I go ‘oh’. So first, apparently this is not a wrong number! Second, Mike? I don’t know any Mikes, who’s Mike?

Third, I go “Oh, shit.”

Now, have you ever noticed that a lot of comedians talk about their childhoods a lot? I’ve realized that they do this for one of three reasons; either their parents are funny, they had very fun childhoods, or they had a lot of therapy. I don’t talk about my childhood because none of those applied to me, and also because I repressed like a full 90% of it from trauma. I now have a therapist, which means I can tell you people some of it. Also because most of it came back from repression-land right there and then, because turns out I do in fact know a Mike!

Mike my childhood friend! From my childhood gang!

...The same childhood I happily repressed for twenty seven years, in fact.

Mostly from trauma.

Now you might realize that it’s literally two minutes until I have to go out in front of all you lovely judging strangers who have expectations of me already!

I certainly did. So did my agent- lovely man, genuinely hates me so much- who nevertheless had to send me out like some poor lost lamb sent to be sacrificed at the altar. So I come out- not in that way, but keep tuned to that- 

Oh wow that was loud. We’ll get to that, don’t you worry. Now that’s going to be fun. If you haven’t seen Twitter, have fun figuring this out.

But let’s try to keep this mess chronological -big word for me, I know, I stole it off some other guy.

I come out, and then I can’t remember my joke, and I can’t remember my name, and I don’t remember where I am, but turns out I can remember the time my friends and I found a corpse!

So anyway, I puke on stage.

Glamorous way to end a show, I know, but in my defense I was pretty busy. 

I’d like to make a segue here- who here grew up in a small town?

Yeah? Okay, this entire bit is for y’all. The rest of you big city folk can just check your phones or whatever.

So I grew up in a small town in Maine, called Derry. Pretty quaint, didn’t have much, there was one arcade, one pharmacy owned by a pedophile, one old abandoned -extremely haunted- crack house, and like a couple tiny stores. My friends and I used to hang out at the quarry and at that same old house, which was cool at the time and gross in hindsight.

I’ll tell you what it’s most known for; it’s the child murder capitol of the entire United States.

Oh, that’s some silence there. Are you perhaps uncomfortable? Maybe wondering if you heard that right? I’ll repeat it louder then.

IT WAS THE CHILD. MURDER. CAPITOL. 

OF THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES.

AND I GREW UP THERE.  A CHILD.

Is it clearer now why I repressed that entire experience?

So. Derry. Terrible, terrible, racist, homophobic, sexist Derry. Would I have loved to never go back? Yeah, of course. Who would?

This idiot. And his entire gang of childhood friends. Because Mike called us and went ‘Hey, could you guys come back? It’s important.’ And we went, because Mikey literally never asks for shit, so clearly this was going to be terrible. If Mike was on fire, I’m pretty sure he’d take care of it and then never mention it again.

I’ve mentioned the others a couple of times before- of course, Mike, who’s a librarian in Derry- or was, but that’s later. But, there are seven of us in our little Loser’s Club! That is the actual name, by the way. Seven Losers.

 Even if Stan made us think that was wrong, because while my reaction to remembering Derry was to puke, his was to fake his death. Yes. If you can believe it, he literally fucking faked his death to get out of that reunion.

I’ll move on a bit so I don’t spend the rest of the show dissing Stan the Man and his extreme as fuck reactions- would you believe that this man is an accountant? Like, what the fuck? Now whenever I see an accountant I wonder if they’re the type of person that would fake their death to get out of things and it’s fucking with my head every time I have to go to the bank. 

Okay. Seven- six not counting me, we’ve talked about Mike, and I’ve already said why Stan wasn’t there- we’re left with the weirdest group you’ve seen; Ben Hanscom, or Handsome really, that man got so hot, who’s a famous architect, Beverly Marsh, Bevs, very famous fashion designer -hell yeah she is actually my friend, I know, it’s weird- William Denbrough, Big Bill himself, horror author with terrible endings, leader of out weird gang, and last but the very opposite of least Eddie Kapsbrak, risk analyzer, the most germaphobic person I’ve met, who also wore fanny packs while we were kids. The last part tells you very little about him but I feel like I have to mention it from time to time, because he’s hot and all now but in my head he always had a fanny pack and it freaks me out a bit to see him without one. I also made ‘your mom’ jokes at him all the time, mostly for attention but also because sometimes he’d snap back and just verbally gut me like a fish, and I? Loved that shit.

For those of you that look like you just came to a realization, yes. You’d be right. But we’re just gonna ignore it for now, because some of the others didn’t get it yet, and I’m not gonna hold your hand until you do, I feel like I’ve dropped enough hints already.

Where was I? Oh, yeah.

They’re all hot and I hate it. How come they get to grow up and get muscles and I get to grow up to look like a beanstalk with some fucking bug-eyes and a shitty party city wig? I used to call Eddie “Eddie Spaghetti”, but then turns out that the actual noddle here was me all along.

Well. I’ll get the reunion out of the way and move to the important part; what did Mike call us there for? The answer may not surprise you, given that we were in fact in Derry, but guess what? If you thought ‘child murder’ you win nothing at all, but you’d be right. There was in fact a serial killer! Who was, uh, also… a cannibal. 

Terrible, right?

But you’d think ‘this sounds weird’, right? Some unknown dude is killing and eating people, yes, but what does that have to do with lil ol’ me?

Now’d be the time to point out that Bill’s little brother Georgie disappeared twenty seven years previous and turned out to have been literally murdered and possibly eaten along with like, some other six or seven people. And at the time, Big Bill made us all go along to go look for him. In the sewers. While we were also kids. Y’know, like those other kids that got killed.

Big Bill was charismatic, but that doesn’t mean he was the wisest guy, okay. And we were also dumb and young, so that was pretty much all it took.

Thing is that we, uh, …did actually end up finding a serial killer in the sewers. So.

Who was it? Henry Bowers. Our middle school bully. To those true crime fans that recognize the name, yeah, that Bowers.

It didn’t turn out to be that much of a surprise that our bully was the dude killing people, actually, because he was the most fucked-up kid I ever met. He broke Eds’s arm and tried to carve his name on Ben, which is genuinely fucking nuts, right? Like, what? The everliving fuck? I think he liked to kick puppies.

Now, this time around, you’d think it was some fucked up copycat or something? Nope. Dude escaped to try again, this time dressed as a clown. 

You think I’m joking here? He literally dressed as a clown to kill people. I could not begin to tell you why. 

He can’t tell you, either, because he’s currently, uh, sort of dead. As in, someone buried an axe in his spine and he died. 

In my defense-

(louder)

 he was trying to kill Mike and you’ve already heard that I’d go back into Derry for him, so. 

If you’d wondered why I came back really late, yeah, that was part of it.

The other part is that before dying he managed to stab Eddie Spaghetti in the face and make us go into that one old ass, extremely haunted crack house- don’t ask, I don’t know either- in which an entire beam fell on him. I’m genuinely baffled at how this didn’t happen earlier, because this was literally our childhood hangout spot. But karma or fate or whatever caught up with us, so it did. 

By the way, he’s okay now. We all thought he was gonna die first, of course, because how the hell else do you react when a dude’s been impaled right in front of you? He didn’t. But when we all thought he was gonna die in front of me, holding his hand -him included- he looked at me in the eye and, with all the strength his failing body could muster up, he said:

“I fucked your mom.”

So does it come as a surprise to anyone that we’re dating now? 

[vintagebandpics]

Hi people haven’t posted on this blog since sometime in 2017 probably. This is mostly due to my own laziness and growing out of having my life revolve around the people on this blog but I finally got logged on with my desktop so I feel like I can make a proper post! so in celebration I’m just gonna go ahead and make an update on all the regulars on this blog and see what they’re doing (spoiler: not much)

Brendon! at the Disco

2018 has probably been the most successful year that Panic! at the Disco has seen. Panic!, of course, being mostly Brendon. This year they lost two members, Dallon and Kenneth, Dallon leaving to focus on his new band, IDK and Kenneth for….. other reasons. (Trigger warning on that link.) On the lighter side of things, they released the album Pray For the Wicked, which debuted at #1 on the Billboards 200 albums charts. proud of them honestly....

Brendon has also gone on to regularly do twitch streams of him playing Fortnite, appeared as a guest judge on The Voice, and polluting Snapchat with ads of him speaking up about his friends at State Farm. At least he’s making money. Getting bread. Or whatever.

Pete Wentz (and crew)

In January of this year, Fall Out Boy released Mania which also debuted at number 1, their fourth record to do so. It was also nominated for a grammy (though they lost to Greta Van Fleet, a band almost universally regarded as god-awful). they haven’t done much this year aside from announcing a few festival shows, and have been featured on a posthumously released track from Lil Peep. pete himself has been (suspiciously) quiet, but has been posting tweets about butterflies recently. I dont know what that means. are fall out boy soon going full mariah? one can only hope

Paramore

my forever favorite person in the world, aka Hayley Williams has been taking an extended social media break for her mental health, or something, only occasionally appearing to promote her hair dye brand Good Dye Young, which recently began selling in some Sally’s Beauty stores and even Sephora. she also recently appeared on stage with Kacey Musgraves to sing Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. it was so good. i miss her a lot but its fine. taylor is still silent as ever. he literally has two tweets on his account. zac stays promoting his solo side project HALFNOISE (which is actually pretty great.) paramore as a unit hasnt done anything in months. i kinda feel like they wont release another record WHICH I HOPE ISNT TRUE but after all the shit that went down during the production of after laughter...... whom knows.

William Beckett

will was accused of abuse by his wife and he said she was the one to abuse him. kinda went silent everywhere ever since, and no one really knows what happened. rip

Gabe Saporta and Squad 

after the end of Cobra in 2015, gabe went on to co-found his own company with mike carden managing artists. billboard recently did a really great and eye opening profile on him. he has went on record to say a cobra reunion is the last thing on his mind. vicky t has a solo career and recently released a music video. ill let you draw your own opinion on it.

Ryan Ross

back on his bullshit. he did recently have a song with z-berg and in the video he had THE WORST insta e-boy type earring. and so many rings. hes the worst type of LA boy. he hasnt done anything since but did tell alt press that he was planning on writing and recording music in 2019. (i dont really want to link alt press. just take my word for it.) anyway, we’ll see if thats true. we’ve been lied to before.

My Chemical Romance

dead. will stay dead. stop making up rumors about their comeback. stop sending them to me. theyre dead and ITS FINE!!!!!! anyway. gerard most recently has had mad success when netflix adapted his comic series the umbrella academy. frank has a new record coming out in may. ray is a Dad. mikey is about to have another baby. i didnt have the energy to look into their 300 previous drummers for their updates. im sorry. 

that concludes our journey. it unfortunately wasn’t that interesting, but thats why we stay focused on pre-2010 bandom. thanks for continuing to love this blog even as it sits unupdated for literally years at a time. i dont know what im going to do with it but im glad yall continue to love it ❣️

[dailyfeartwdgifs]

Fear the Walking Dead showrunners answer season premiere burning questions  

When season 4 of Fear the Walking Dead wrapped up, our heroes were on a mission of heroic proportions. They were going to put aside their assorted sordid pasts and continue on Polar Bear’s mission of box-based altruism and help people in need. YAY, TEAM! 

As things picked up a few months later on Sunday’s season 5 premiere, however, life looked significantly less-rosy. For one thing, our group crashed a plane just minutes into the season. (Ouch!) We then learned they have been having trouble finding people that even wanted their help, which extended to a trio of youngsters they met post-crash in the premiere. 

Not only that, but before the hour was complete, Althea appeared to be abducted, and it turns out the entire supply run was a ruse sent out by Polar Bear’s former partner Logan (Matt Frewer) to get them out of their factory home base of operations, which he then proceeded to take back over. To make matters even worse, Strand learned at the end of the episode that if he wants to help his stranded comrades, he has to confront the man he shot in the face, Daniel Salazar (not seen since season 3). Sooooooo, stuff could be better. We spoke to showrunners Andrew Chambliss and Ian Goldberg to get the scoop on the new threats, the impending return of Daniel, and more.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY We pick things up a few months after season 4 has ended. Why there? And why pick up right in the middle of this supply run where the first thing we see are some new characters in these kids? It’s very disorienting, which I actually kind of like. ANDREW CHAMBLISS: We talked a lot about how we wanted to open the season and what led us to the decision to open kind of mid-mission a few months into what our characters had been doing was that we really wanted to achieve a couple of things. First and foremost, we wanted to show our characters as a well-oiled machine who were very good at working with each other, rallying around each other, and we see that to the Nth degree as they’re fighting outside this plane that has just crashed. 

And the decision to see it through the point of view of these two young boys who are in the woods hunting, that was really driven by the fact that we wanted to see our characters through the point of view of people who didn’t know them so that when they first met them, they really could almost appear larger than life, almost seem like they’re super heroes. That was achieved in a big way with Alicia’s first moment when she steps out of the smoke from the burning plane and then takes out one of the walkers. 

It was really about creating the sense that our group has been doing this mission, has been successful at this mission, and it was all about creating a little bit of a mislead so that when we find out that they actually have been having a really hard time finding people who are alive, people who trust them, people who want help, that would come as a little bit of a gut punch to the audience. 

And then I think the other thing is we have an amazing crew and we know that they’re capable of some pretty spectacular things, so we wanted to open in a really kind of big way. They certainly delivered, and Michael Satrazemis, who directed the episode, blew us away with the amount he was able to shoot at that crash site with the limited amount of time he had, and we’re very grateful for that. Honestly, we like to think of it as kind of the opening to a movie just to announce upfront that this season is going to be big, and it’s going to be action packed with a lot of character journeys attached to all of that. 

Following up on that, it’s easy to write “plane crashes” in a script. It’s not as easy to pull it off. You’ve got a great director in Mikey doing that, but what were the biggest hurdles and challenges in terms of making that look good? IAN GOLDBERG: Probably as many as you can think of and more. One of the big challenges was finding the right plane to use, and we decided on the sky van for a lot of reasons, but we kind of liked how weird it was and that it kind of looked like a Winnebago in the sky. Our team was able to track it down for us. That was not easy, but they made it look fantastic. There were some weather challenges. I remember we got some footage that Mikey sent us on his iPhone one day when they were shooting inside the plane and there was torrential rain happening outside, so much so that things were sliding around out in the mud. Austin’s weather does not always cooperate with us, so that was a challenge. 

It’s a big, epic sequence that has a lot of pieces and to get it all in eight days — or in this case I think we had a couple extra days on this one — but it’s still a really tall order and it’s just a real testament to Mikey’s talents and energy and also everyone in our cast and our crew who just somehow managed to keep pulling out great episodes for us. 

Let’s talk about some of the things we learn in this episode and what they mean moving forward. What can you say about the zombie heads hanging from trees by their hair? Or rather, what can you say about the group that put them there? ANDREW CHAMBLISS: You probably won’t be surprised that I’m not going to say a lot about the group that put them there, but I think it’s pretty clear that there is a warning and that there perhaps is something beyond those heads and the walkers that are strung up across the road with their own intestines — that whoever is putting those up does not want our characters to see. It really speaks to one of the themes that we’re exploring with our group’s mission, that this is a world that oftentimes is not inviting. It is a world where people don’t trust each other. It is a world that is scary to live in. When people show up saying they want to help, that is an anomaly and that’s not something that people necessarily actually believe. 

Well, can we assume that these zombie heads we see hanging are connected to the group that appears to have abducted Althea? Clearly, that’s a connection I and some viewers are going to make. IAN GOLDBERG: That is a very interesting theory and we’d hate to either confirm or deny that that’s what’s going to happen. 

I get so excited whenever I see Max Headroom pop up and always love seeing Matt Frewer so was really psyched to see him onscreen here as Logan, and we learn he lured Morgan and company away from the denim factory to take it over. What can you tell us about Logan and his former relationship with Clayton? And does he get any points at all for at least staging a bloodless coup? I’ll at least give him that. IAN GOLDBERG: He did. He has a code and there’s still some shred of his time with Polar Bear, and he still subscribes to take what you need, leave what you don’t. He’s pretty literal about that in the episode. Unfortunately, he took the thing that our people really needed which was their home base. Obviously, we’re very interested in how we’re going to explore Logan’s story this season. 

He, at one point, was Clayton’s partner. We know what Clayton’s philosophy was, how we operated in the world, so it’s just very interesting to see how far Logan has fallen from that and we will explore at some point what happened and why there was a bit of a fracture there. There’s a lot more story to come with Logan and his motives for taking over the river mill and for kicking our people out and for sending them on a wild goose chase with the plane. He may actually have more going on than he initially says. 

Daniel Salazar is back. He was found by Althea at some point and then she sends Strand to go get his plane. Strand sees him on the video. Looking ahead, what can you say about their impending reunion? ANDREW CHAMBLISS: We love that moment where Strand thinks he’s going to get his chance to be the hero who saves the day and he takes out that tape label and I think the last person he ever thought would be on it would be Daniel Salazar. It’s really putting Strand in this position where he’s going to have to walk the walk and not just talk the talk. The one person who can help him, who then helps everyone on the other side of that mountain who crashed that plane, is the last person that Strand wants to see. And Strand is probably the last person that Daniel Salazar wants to see. What we’ll see is whether Strand can pull it together to actually face the man who he nearly killed and whether that man is going to believe a word Strand says about how he has changed.